I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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