Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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