I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize