why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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