remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
