I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
