***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
