Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
