How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
