i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
