hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
