you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
