When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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