if i can run in heels then i can drive
Who wears a wallet chain?!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
