Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
