When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.