Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.