My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup