my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.