I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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