im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
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hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
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I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart