Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
