her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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