i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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