My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
