Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
