i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
