Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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