Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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