Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I need to calm my uterus...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
