I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She needs sedatives and a leash
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
