My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What a dumb baby whore.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
