I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
