Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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