I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
