I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
