tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
