Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
