I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
