my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Can Purell be used as lube?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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