I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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