I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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