Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Houston, we have a blender
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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