She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
