I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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