Can i not drive my cunt home
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
