I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
