UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
