just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
