I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
