he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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