It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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