I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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