Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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