Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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