I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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