Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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