That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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