I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
