I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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