I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just cut my nipple shaving
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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