For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
