Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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