I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
